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Funny TV quotes from The New Housekeeper

Funny TV quotes from The New Housekeeper – The Andy Griffith Show season 1, episode 1

Sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith): Anybody here know why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace. I now pronounce you man…

Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): I know why they shouldn’t be married.

Sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith): Opie, what’re you tryin’ to do?

Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): I’m speakin’ now so’s I won’t have to forever hold my peace.

Deputy Barney Fife (Don Knotts): You’re not supposed to speak.

Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): Then why did he ask?


Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): Can I run away from home?

Sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith): Uh… you… you want to run away from home? Well, now, uh, if-if-if that’s what you got on your mind, well, you-you goin’ about it all wrong.

Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): I am?

Sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith): Oh, yeah. You ain’t supposed to ask your pa.

Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): But you always said I should never go anyplace far without gettin’ your permission.

Sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith): Well, yeah, I know I did say that, but, uh, see … see, running away from home is a little special. See, what you do in a case like that is first you write a note SAYIN’ that you’re runnin’ away, and then you do it.

Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): You mean to tell me that’s all there is to it?

Sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith): That’s all.

Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): But I don’t know how to write.

Sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith): That does make a problem.


Rose: Opie, dear, I’m marryin’ Mr. Pine because I love him.

Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): I thought you loved ME.

Rose: I do, Opie.

Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): You don’t catch me marryin’ somebody else.


Rose: And in the mornin’, I want you to eat all your cereal and don’t leave half the milk.

Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): Okay. I won’t leave half the milk.

Rose: Good boy.

Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): I’ll leave ALL the milk.


Deputy Barney Fife (Don Knotts): Aw, shucks, Andy. I want to do good on this job. Even if it’s just deliverin’ messages, I wanna do it right.

Sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith): Well, I know you do, and-and-and I admire your attitude.

Deputy Barney Fife (Don Knotts): You see, Andy, I want the folks in this town to realize that you picked me to be your deputy because you, well, you looked over all the candidates for the job, and-and you judged their qualifications and their character and their ability, and you come to the fair, the just, and the honest conclusion that I was the best-suited for the job. An… and I wanna thank you, Cousin Andy.

Sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith): You’re welcome, Cousin Barney.


Sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith): [after Opie makes an insulting comment about newly-arrived Aunt Bee’s fried chicken, and Aunt Bee leaves the room] And to think I was glad when you learned to talk.


Sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith): Now Opie, I’m your Pa and I’m tellin’ you to hush up.

Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): Well you told me I could speak or forever hold my peace.

Sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith): Well now I’m tellin’ you if you don’t hush up, you’ll be forever holdin’ the seat of your britches.


Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): I want you to stay!

Aunt Bee Taylor: You do?

Sheriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith): You mean it, Opie?

Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): Sure!

Aunt Bee Taylor: Well, what changed your mind?

Opie Taylor (Ron Howard): Well, if she goes, what’ll happen to her? She doesn’t know how to do anything – play ball, catch fish, or hunt frogs. She’ll be helpless.

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