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Funny movie quotes from Merton of the Movies

Funny movie quotes from Merton of the Movies starring Red Skelton, Virginia O’Brien

Merton Gill aka Clifford Armytage (Red Skelton): (reading a letter from the Pudolph School of Acting) “It is apparent that you definitely have a face.”


Phyllis Montague (Virginia O’Brien): Are you new here?
Merton Gill aka Clifford Armytage (Red Skelton): Does it show?
Phyllis Montague (Virginia O’Brien): Well … not in anyplace you can fix.


(at the studio cafeteria)
Phyllis Montague (Virginia O’Brien): Hey, Trooper.
Merton Gill aka Clifford Armytage (Red Skelton): Mighty crowded, ain’t it?
Phyllis Montague (Virginia O’Brien): Over here. (walks to a table filled with cowboy actors) You shoulda tried Big R’s, they’re shooting a Western today €”Custer’s Last Stand”.
Cowboy: Come on! (all the cowboys leave, the table’s now empty)
Phyllis Montague (Virginia O’Brien): Pull up a chair.


Merton Gill aka Clifford Armytage (Red Skelton): I’m a graduate of the Pudolph School.   Mr. Pudolph himself says I’ve  got a face.
Phyllis Montague (Virginia O’Brien): Well, he’s a very shrewd man.


Merton Gill aka Clifford Armytage (Red Skelton): Mr. Hubank, it’s a call for you from your house – it’s on fire.
Mr. Hubanks: Which one?
Merton Gill aka Clifford Armytage (Red Skelton): The one with the doors and the windows.


Beulah Baxter (Gloria Grahame): Do I really have to go in a bird’s nest?
Director: Crow’s nest, darling.
Beulah Baxter (Gloria Grahame): Well, if there are any crows in it, I’m leaving!


Merton Gill aka Clifford Armytage (Red Skelton): He said, “My hand and my heart go out to the young actor.”
Phyllis Montague (Virginia O’Brien): Yeah, but his hand is usually doubled up.


Director Von Strutt: Remember, you are calm, sure of yourself, cold as ice.
Merton Gill aka Clifford Armytage (Red Skelton): As calm as ice, got it.


Merton Gill aka Clifford Armytage (Red Skelton): Where’s the soiree?
Butler: I believe she’s in the drawing room.


Beulah Baxter (Gloria Grahame): I want to know all about you, from the beginning.
Merton Gill aka Clifford Armytage (Red Skelton): I was born quite young, I was only a baby.


Beulah Baxter (Gloria Grahame): Not that way. [opens champagne with a €˜pop’] see?
Merton Gill aka Clifford Armytage (Red Skelton): What do they put in that stuff, gunpowder?
Beulah Baxter (Gloria Grahame): It’s made out of grapes, like fruit juice.


Beulah Baxter (Gloria Grahame): You let him relax if he wants to, he’s, well he’s brain weary!
Phyllis Montague (Virginia O’Brien): Yeah? Well, I’m not!


Merton Gill aka Clifford Armytage (Red Skelton): I’ve got what Mr. Dingwitty died of.
Phyllis Montague (Virginia O’Brien): What’s that?
Merton Gill aka Clifford Armytage (Red Skelton): Elephants.   He started off with one, then there were two, then a whole herd of them crushed him in a clothes closet.   Oh, that fruit juice that Miss Baxter gave me, she said it only had Novacaine in it, I bet it was alcohol.
Phyllis Montague (Virginia O’Brien): I wouldn’t be surprised.


Merton Gill aka Clifford Armytage (Red Skelton): Phillis, you’ve been more than a mother to me.   More than an uncle, even.


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