Funny movie quotes from Lost in a Harem

Funny movie quotes from Lost in a Harem, starring Abbott and Costello, Marilyn Maxwell

The Derelict: Pokomoko! Slowly I turn, step by step …


Harvey Garvey (Lou Costello): Have you a reservation here?
Jailer and clerk: No.
Harvey Garvey (Lou Costello): Then I have to take my business someplace else.
[he starts to leave but is restrained by guards]
Harvey Garvey (Lou Costello): I changed my mind. I’ll take the room.
Jailer and clerk: What’s your name?
Harvey Garvey (Lou Costello): Harvey D. Garvey.
Jailer and clerk: Where born?
Harvey Garvey (Lou Costello): Under a sink.
Jailer and clerk: How do you know?
Harvey Garvey (Lou Costello): I heard the water runnin’.


Peter Johnson (Bud Abbott): You love her?
[laughs derisively]
Peter Johnson (Bud Abbott): Oh, come on, you wouldn’t get to first base with a beautiful girl like that.
Harvey Garvey (Lou Costello): Yes, I would.
Peter Johnson (Bud Abbott): Did you ever take a good look in the mirror?
Harvey Garvey (Lou Costello): No.
Peter Johnson (Bud Abbott): Why not?
Harvey Garvey (Lou Costello): Why should I hurt my own feelings?
Peter Johnson (Bud Abbott): Never mind!


Prince Ramo: [from inside his jail cell] Don’t worry! I’ll get you out!
Peter Johnson (Bud Abbott): [being locked up in a nearby cell] Who’s gonna get you out?


Harvey Garvey (Lou Costello): Do I have to especially go now?
Peter Johnson (Bud Abbott): You just split an infinitive!
Harvey Garvey (Lou Costello): Well, I mean that … [feeling his own rear end]
Harvey Garvey (Lou Costello): Does it show?


The Derelict: I know a secret passage that will take us out.
Harvey Garvey (Lou Costello): Swell!
The Derelict: [to Harvey] Shhh!
Harvey Garvey (Lou Costello): [to Pete] Shhh!
Peter Johnson (Bud Abbott): [whispering] Go ahead.
The Derelict: Follow me.
Peter Johnson (Bud Abbott): Go ahead – follow him.
Harvey Garvey (Lou Costello): Okay.
Peter Johnson (Bud Abbott): [impatiently] Go ahead.
The Derelict: Where are you taking me?


The Derelict: Quiet! People will think you’re crazy.
Harvey Garvey (Lou Costello): Oh, and I suppose you’re all right?
The Derelict: Of course!
Harvey Garvey (Lou Costello): Of course?
The Derelict: I have a brother who is crazy –  [screaming]  but I’m all right!
Harvey Garvey (Lou Costello): [gasping] Who told you?
The Derelict: My brother!
Harvey Garvey (Lou Costello): That does it, brother!


The Derelict: Gentleman … He called me a gentleman! Thank you.
The Derelict: [to Pete] Thank you.
Peter Johnson (Bud Abbott): That’s all right.
The Derelict: Those are the first kind words I’ve heard in years. You see I always haven’t been a derelict … [pointing to Harvey]
The Derelict: like you!
Harvey Garvey (Lou Costello): Hey, now, don’t call me those kind of bad names.
The Derelict: Would you like to hear my story?
Harvey Garvey (Lou Costello): No.
The Derelict: Very well, then I’ll tell it to you.


Peter Johnson (Bud Abbott): We’ve got to outsmart Uncle Nimativ. You go in and outwit him.
Harvey Garvey (Lou Costello): Why should I go out with him? I’m afraid of that man!
Peter Johnson (Bud Abbott): Not to go out with him. Go in and outwit him.
Harvey Garvey (Lou Costello): Why should I go in and go out with him? I mean, he don’t appeal to me!

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If I were the Devil. . . I would gain control of the most powerful nation in the world; I would delude their minds into thinking that they had come from man's effort, instead of God's blessings; I would promote an attitude of loving things and using people, instead of the other way around; I would dupe entire states into relying on gambling for their state revenue; I would convince people that character is not an issue when it comes to leadership; I would make it legal to take the life of unborn babies; I would make it socially acceptable to take one's own life, and invent machines to make it convenient; I would cheapen human life as much as possible so that the life of animals are valued more than human beings; I would take God out of the schools, where even the mention of His name was grounds for a law suit; I would come up with drugs that sedate the mind and target the young, and I would get sports heroes to advertise them; I would get control of the media, so that every night I could pollute the mind of every family member for my agenda; I would attack the family, the backbone of any nation. I would make divorce acceptable and easy, even fashionable. If the family crumbles, so does the nation; I would compel people to express their most depraved fantasies on canvas and movie screens, and I would call it art; I would convince the world that people are born homosexuals, and that there lifestyles should be accepted and marveled; I would convince the people that right and wrong are determined by a few who call themselves authorities and refer to their agenda as politically correct; I would persuade people that the church is irrelevant and out of date, and the Bible is for the naive; I would dull the minds of Christians, and make them believe that prayer is not important, and that faithfulness and obedience are good enough to get by; Hmmm...I guess I would leave things pretty much the way they are."
Church and God jokes

If I Were The Devil

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