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Funny movie quotes from The Alphabet Murders [Tony Randall]

Funny movie quotes from The Alphabet Murders, Tony Randall, Anita Ekberg, Robert Morley

Hastings (Robert Morley): Where have you been? What have you been doing?
Hercule Poirot (Tony Randall): Arranging a little extra insurance my friend.
Hastings (Robert Morley): Oh really? Personally I always feel perfectly safe with British railways. Mind you its very different in France, isn’t it?
Hercule Poirot (Tony Randall): I wouldn’t know. I am not French, I am Belgian.
Hastings (Robert Morley): Well it’s the same thing, you both eat horsemeat.


Don Fortune: There’s no point in asking her about women. All she knows about is men – especially the size of their wallets.


Hercule Poirot (Tony Randall): You have disgraced yourself!
Hastings (Robert Morley): How so, pray?
Hercule Poirot (Tony Randall): One does not expect an Englishmen to be an assassin.


Miss Jane Marple: [cameo – while walking past Poirot into the police station] The solution is ABC, to anyone with half a brain cell.


Japp (Maurice Denham): I’d like to apologize for this misunderstanding, sir. I thought the name was Pairot, of course, if I had realized it was Perot.
Hercule Poirot (Tony Randall): Poirot.


Hercule Poirot (Tony Randall): Please, do not follow Poirot. This is London. Nothing is going to happen.


Hastings (Robert Morley): Her Majesty’s government seems to think that you’re a very important person and, as such, are entitled to protection. I understand you’re not very popular with the criminal classes.
Hercule Poirot (Tony Randall): No.
Hastings (Robert Morley): It would be the most almighty top-level fuss, you know, if you were stabbed, shot or blown up, or did suffer any inconvenience while on British soil.
Hercule Poirot (Tony Randall): Yes. Yes, I suppose it would, actually. Well, in that case, I suppose you must join me in a massage, my faithful bulldog.


Amanda Beatrice Cross (Anita Ekberg): There’s going to be a murder. I’m frightened! That’s why I’m here. I’m terribly frightened!
Hercule Poirot (Tony Randall): Oh, you think someone is going to kill you, eh?
Amanda Beatrice Cross (Anita Ekberg): No, I’m going to kill someone.
Hercule Poirot (Tony Randall): No more massage, please.


Japp (Maurice Denham): He’s been at it again, sir.
Hastings (Robert Morley): Has he? Where?
Japp (Maurice Denham): [to the phone] Where? [to Hastings] Hyde Park. Molesting a young woman, sir.


Hastings (Robert Morley): I thought you’d given up smoking?
Hercule Poirot (Tony Randall): This is a celebration. [lights his cigarette]
Hastings (Robert Morley): Oh, really? What are you celebrating?
Hercule Poirot (Tony Randall): I’m celebrating my first cigarette in 51 days.


Duncan Doncaster (Guy Rolfe): I suppose your business is blackmail.
Hercule Poirot (Tony Randall): My business is justice. I’m Poirot.


Duncan Doncaster (Guy Rolfe): She was an experiment.
Hercule Poirot (Tony Randall): An experiment?
Duncan Doncaster (Guy Rolfe): A near perfect specimen of the primitive aggressive female acquisitive personality. In lay language, a gold digger.


Hercule Poirot (Tony Randall): Who is ABC?
Duncan Doncaster (Guy Rolfe): ABC?
Hercule Poirot (Tony Randall): Blonde. Beautiful. Very tall.
Duncan Doncaster (Guy Rolfe): You speak of Amanda, of course.
Hercule Poirot (Tony Randall): Amanda? Amanda who?
Duncan Doncaster (Guy Rolfe): Amanda Beatrice Cross.
Hercule Poirot (Tony Randall): A-B-C!


Sir Carmichael Clarke: How very interesting. The cheater cheated. The deceiver deceived.


Franklin: My step brother lives in a square world of his own, Mr. Poirot. For instance, he still thinks I’m too young to drink.
Hercule Poirot (Tony Randall): Most people are.


Hercule Poirot (Tony Randall): I trust you’ll allow me to accept defeat with dignity. I don’t relish this – this bum’s rush.


‘X’: A pity the way things turned out, from your point of view, I mean. Well, of course, it was an open and shut case all along. Curious you couldn’t see that. I feel you Continental chaps are just a little bit too fanciful for your own good.


[last lines]
Hercule Poirot (Tony Randall): Sir, Hastings, dear friend, you’re taking this like a Belgian.

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