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Funny quotes from Groucho Marx

Funny quotes from Groucho Marx, master of the one-liner

Funny quotes from Groucho Marx — both from his most famous movies as one of the Marx Brothers (Duck Soup, A Day at the Races, A Night at the Opera, etc.)

  • But what makes wage slaves? Wages! (Groucho Marx in The Cocoanuts, 1929)
  • Don’t look now, but there’s one man too many in this room, and I think it’s you. (Groucho Marx in Duck Soup, 1933)
  • Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped. (Groucho Marx in A Day at the Races, 1937)
  • Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you: he really is an idiot. (Groucho Marx in Duck Soup, 1933)
  • (Answering telephone.) Hello? Yes? Ice water in 318? Is that so? Where’d you get it? Oh, you want some. Get some onions, that’€™ll make your eyes water. (Groucho Marx in The Cocoanuts, 1929)
  • Hello, I must be going. (Groucho Marx in Animal Crackers, 1930)
  • I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can’t see the stove. (Groucho Marx in Duck Soup, 1933)
  • I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought, I’d rather dance with the cows till you come home. (Groucho Marx in Duck Soup, 1933)
  • I got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. (Groucho Marx in Duck Soup, 1933)
  • I know, heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns. (Groucho Marx in Monkey Business, 1931)
  • I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks. (Groucho Marx in A Night at the Opera, 1935)
  • I’d have thrashed him to within an inch of his life, but I didn’t have a tape measure.. (Groucho Marx in Go West, 1940)
  • I’ll see you at the opera tonight. I’ll hold your seat till you get there. After that, you’re on your own. (Groucho Marx in Duck Soup, 1933)
  • I’m gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there’ll be no cover charge. (Groucho Marx in The Cocoanuts, 1929)
  • I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived. (Groucho Marx in Horse Feathers, 1932)
  • I think you’€™ve got something there, but I’€™ll wait outside until you clean it up. (Groucho Marx in Horse Feathers, 1932)
  • If I hold you any closer, I’ll be in back of you. (Groucho Marx in A Day at the Races, 1937)
  • Jail is no place for a young fellow. There’€™s no advancement. (Groucho Marx in The Cocoanuts, 1929)
  • Madam, before I get through with you, you will have a clear case for divorce, and so will my wife. (Groucho Marx in Monkey Business, 1931)
  • Oh, I know it’s a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. (Groucho Marx in Monkey Business, 1931)
  • Oh, why can’t we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.. (Groucho Marx in Monkey Business, 1931)
  • One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don’t know. (Groucho Marx in Animal Crackers, 1930)
  • Room service? Send up a larger room. (Groucho Marx in A Night at the Opera, 1935)
  • She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me. (Groucho Marx in A Day at the Races, 1937)
  • Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much? (Groucho Marx in Monkey Business, 1931)
  • That’s what I always say. Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo (Groucho Marx in Monkey Business, 1931)
  • Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I’ve got a nickel in my pocket. (Groucho Marx in The Cocoanuts, 1929)
  • We’re fighting for this woman’s honor, which is more than she ever did. (Groucho Marx in Duck Soup, 1933)
  • Whatever it is, I’m against it. (Groucho Marx in Horse Feathers, 1932)
  • When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That’s the price she has to pay. (Groucho Marx in A Night at the Opera, 1935)
  • While hunting in Africa, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How an elephant got into my pajamas I’ll never know. (Groucho Marx in Animal Crackers, 1930)
  • Why did I sit with her? Because she reminds me of you, that why I’m here with you, because you remind me of you, your eyes, your throat, your lips, everything about you reminds me of you … except you. How do you account for that? (if she figures that one out she’s good.) (Groucho Marx in A Night at the Opera, 1935)
  • With a little study you’ll go a long ways, and I wish you’d start now. (Groucho Marx in Monkey Business, 1931)
  • You are going Uruguay, and I’m going my way. (Groucho Marx in Animal Crackers, 1930)
  • You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I’m hot under the collar. (Groucho Marx in Monkey Business, 1931)
  • You can leave in a taxi. If you can’t get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that”s too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven’t stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle. (Groucho Marx in Duck Soup, 1933)
  • You know you’ve got the brain of a four-year-old child, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it. (Groucho Marx in Horse Feathers, 1932)
  • A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
  • A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
  • A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
  • A moose is an animal with horns on the front of it’s head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it.
  • A woman is an occasional pleasure, but a cigar is always a smoke.
  • Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
  • Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
  • Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
  • Do you think I can buy back my introduction to you?
  • From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
  • Funny, I’ve met a lot of pin-up girls, but I’ve never been able to pin one down.
  • Go, and never darken my towels again.
  • He’s so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he’d burn for three days.
  • Here’s to our girlfriends and wives; may they never meet!
  • How would you like to feel the way she looks?
  • I drink to make other people interesting.
  • I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
  • I have nothing but confidence in you. And very little of that.
  • I hope they bury me near a straight man.
  • I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
  • I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.
  • I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON’T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
  • If I held you any closer I’d be in back of you.
  • If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
  • In America, you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
  • It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
  • I was married by a judge, I should have asked for a jury.
  • I’d horsewhip you if I had a horse.
  • I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
  • Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry, and you’re probably watching the wrong channel.
  • Madam, you’re making history, in fact, you’re making me, and I wish you’d keep my hands to yourself.
  • Marriage is a wonderful institution, that is of course if you like living in an institution.
  • Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.
  • Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
  • Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
  • Money cannot buy you happiness, and happiness cannot buy you money. That might be a wise crack, but I doubt it.
  • Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
  • My brother thinks he’s a chicken, we don’t talk him out of it because we need the eggs.
  • My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.
  • No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
  • Oh, you’re from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah? He lived in whales for awhile.
  • Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
  • Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
  • Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
  • She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
  • She’s afraid that if she leaves, she’ll become the life of the party.
  • Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you’ll duck soup for the rest of your life.
  • The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
  • The only game I like to play is “Old Maid”, providing she’s not too old.
  • The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing, if you can fake that you’ve got it made.
  • There’s one thing I want to do before I quit … Retire.
  • There’s only one way to find out if a man is honest, ask him, if he says yes, you know he’s crooked.
  • There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one’s fellow man.
  • Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them — well, I have others.
  • Time flies like an arrow, Fruit flies like a banana.
  • Time wounds all heels.
  • Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?
  • Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
  • Wives are people who feel they don’€™t dance enough.
  • Women should be obscene and not heard.
  • Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses, on second thought, just let me cover your face.
  • You get a canoe later and I’ll paddle you.
  • You’re heading for a breakdown, why don’t you pull yourself to pieces.
  • You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and that’s not saying much for you.
  • You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
  • You know, I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
  • Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops.
  • A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
  • It’s hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
  • All people are born alike — except Republicans and Democrats.

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