Funny movie quotes from Another Fine Mess – one of Laurel and Hardy‘s funniest short films
Officer: Say, Kelly, did a couple of guys come through here?
Other Officer: Yeah, a couple just ran in there, why?
Officer: Well, they was in the park and they had put a couple of benches together so they could have twin beds and when I asked them to move on, the little fella tips his hat and says “yes ma’am.” That’s what I’m sore about!
Colonel Wilburforce Buckshot (James Finlayson): Just a second! I forgot my bow and arrow!
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): [to Stan] Come on! Let’s reconnoiter.
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into.
Stan (Stan Laurel): [posing as the butler] You wish to see Colonel Buckshot?
Lord Leopold Plumtree: Why, I’d LOVE to! Hauw-haw-haw-huh-huh-huh-huh!
Stan (Stan Laurel): [turning away and calling toward the stairway] Colonel Buckshot!
[a few seconds pass with no answer]
Stan (Stan Laurel): Oh, Ollie – – uh – – Colonel Buckshot!
[No answer]
Stan (Stan Laurel): [speaking to Lord Plumtree and his wife] Wait there.
[He walks several yards to the foot of the stairs, then cups his hand to his mouth and hollers up the stairs]
Stan (Stan Laurel): Colonel BUCKshot …
[using his classic shrill whistle]
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): [posing as Colonel Buckshot] What is it, Hives?
Stan (Stan Laurel): [wincing at the derogatory name Hardy has chosen for him] Lord Appletree – – he wants to rent a room.
Lord Leopold Plumtree: No, no, my dear fellow – – “PLUMtree”. “PLUMtree”. Lord Leopold Plumtree – – my card. And I wish to rent the entire HOUSE.
[inspects the new card that Lord Plumtree has given him, then absently tosses the first card away]
Lord Leopold Plumtree: [shaking his hand in surprise and pain after the brace holding up the lid of the piano vibrates loose and the lid falls shut and pinches Lord Plumtree’s finger] Oh, I say! I SAY!
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Oh, I beg your pardon, Lord Figtree!
Lord Leopold Plumtree: “PLUMtree!” “PLUMtree”! Lord Leopold “Plumtree”!
[He hands Hardy another card]
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Ah, a thousand pardons – – my mistake!
Stan (Stan Laurel): [as Agnes the Maid] Bedrooms, let’s see, there’s mine and the master’s and the master’s and mine. That’s four.
Lady Plumtree: No no, there’s the master’s then yours. That’s two.
Stan (Stan Laurel): Oh, yeah. Then there’s the nursery.
Lady Plumtree: A nursery? I didn’t know the colonel was married.
Stan (Stan Laurel): Oh, he has that in case of accidents.
Lord Leopold Plumtree: By the way, Colonel, do you have any horses?
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): [posing as Colonel Buckshot] I’m sorry … I shipped all of my horses to my plantation in Kentucky.
Lord Leopold Plumtree: Kentucky? What part of Kentucky do you come from, Colonel?
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): [fondly and grandly] Omaha … dear old Omaha!
Stan (Stan Laurel): I thought Omaha was in Wisconsin.
Lady Plumtree (Thelma Todd): Agnes, how long have you been here?
Stan (Stan Laurel): [in drag as the maid] About half an hour.
[realizing what she has said]
Stan (Stan Laurel): Oh, heh!
[laughs]
Stan (Stan Laurel): How silly of me! I’m so nervous. Heh, I mean half a year – to be exact, three months!
Lord Leopold Plumtree: [to Stan who is dressed as the maid] Pardon me, are you of any relation to the butler?
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Oh, yes, yes, they’re twins. You see, one was born in Detroit, the other in Mee-a-mee.
[Laughs]
Lord Leopold Plumtree: I don’t quite understand.
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Oh, that’s all right. Neither do they.
[Laughs]
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Oh, Agnes – – meet your new master, Lord Flagpole Crabtree.
Lord Leopold Plumtree: PLUMtree, PLUMtree! Lord Leopold PLUMtree! My cahd.
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): That’s RIGHT!
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Ahhh … at last I have found it, Lord Appletree!
Lord Plumtree: PLUMtree … PLUMtree! Lord Leopold PLUMtree! Accent on the ‘LUM’. My cahd.
[He reaches in his pocket for another card, but accidentally takes out three cards at once, which he hands to Hardy]
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): [leafing through the cards and reading them off one-by-one] “Plumtree” “Plumtree” “Plumtree” I am terribly sorry.
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Agnes, call me a cab.
Stan (Stan Laurel): Huh?
Ollie (Oliver Hardy): Call me a cab.
Stan (Stan Laurel): You’re a cab.
