Fifty Ways to Kill an Ensign – Star Trek song parody
A parody of the song ‘Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover‘, based on the original Star Trek series’ penchant for killing red shirted ensigns. In other words, if Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy and Ensign Benson beamed down to a planet’s surface, you can pretty much say your farewells to the red shirt Ensign. And the song parodies this, or celebrates it, depending on your point of view.
(a parody of Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover by Paul Simon)
The problem is something ‘bout your clothes, she said to me
The red shirt and the stripeless sleeves yell, ‘I’m Security!’
And when you get down planet-side with Kirk, you’ll get to see
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign.
He takes a landing party down to find what’s going on
A couple of the bridge crew, and some extras come along
And then before you know it – the `expendable’ are gone
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign
Fifty ways to kill an ensign
Just step on a rock, Jock
Get thorns from some plants, Lance
A Horta can spray, Ray
Just listen to me
Clouds drink up your blood, Bud
Computers can kill, Bill
You could lose all your salt, Walt
Kirk gets away free …
She said it grieves me so to see you with such nerves
Not ev’ryone who goes with Kirk will suffer from this curse
But then of course, you must recall – they sometimes suffer worse
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign
Just tell him, ‘I’m not stupid and I’m not expendable
I’m not going!’ Tell him that he’s a Denebian slime devil
And he’s overbearing, swaggering, and dictatorial
He’ll find a new way to kill an ensign
Fifty-one ways to kill an ensign
